So that's what you look like. You're ugly. Horrible.
Go on. Try your intellect on me.
I'll see you in hell first.
Help! Help!
Get out of here.
- Call off your troops. - Cease firing.
He acted like. He knew him.
He did. He learned almost too late...
That man is a feeling creature.
And because of it, the greatest in the universe.
There is hope.
But it has to come from man himself.
I have to go. I'm gonna eat now. Hold on just a second.
Hello, Darling. It's me again. Yours cruelly, Elvira.
The gal with the enormous... ratings.
Well, that's our show. I hope you enjoyed watching it...
...as much as I did.
Oh, boy. Could you believe that cheesy-looking Monster?
Looked like gumby on steroids. Well, at least the movie had a moral.
Where is the...
We're ready for the loop...
Does anybody know what that movie was about?
Uh, I'll tell you what it was about. About an hour and a half too long.
Oh, and don't forget next week.
It's the head with two thing, I mean the thing with two heads.
And until then, this is Elvira...
...the gal who put the boob back into boob tube...
...saying, "unpleasant dreams."
Got the news In one minute and counting.
Hey, put me down, will you?
How do you expect me to fix your hair when you're moving around?
Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
Yeah. Wearing this in a public place might do it.
Ha!
Get it, girlfriend.
You got your news and counting.
- Elvira. - Not now, Rudy.
Wait a sec. Wait a sec. See that guy over there?
What, the lard bucket in the ten-gallon hat?
That's the station's new owner.
From the edge of the sea to the end of the valley.
You what? Shut up!
Relax. Relax. This guy is a millionaire, okay?
Mr. Hooter.
This is Elvira.
Name's Earl...
...but the ladies back home call me Longhorn.
Maybe you can guess why.
Gee, uh, I don't know. Does it have anything to do with your breath?
Why don't we let this little Filly get herself gussied up?
The sooner I get in the saddle, the better.
Well, I'm sorry, partner, but looks like it's gonna be you...
...and your trusty ol' right hand.
Sounds like you're looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
Go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror.
It just so happens...
...I have an act opening up in Las Vegas.
Well, terrific. You can try your act out on me.
It's milkin' time. Ow!
That's it! I'm walking! I don't have to take this from anybody!
As for you, you cretinous cowpoke...
Look, it's hooter. Somebody on the floor get her out of there.
Within so much as ten feet of me...
...and I'm gonna tie your weenie in a granny knot!
- You said she was a nympho! - Come on, will you?
Not the ball game!
You can't quit. What's the big deal?
As soon as my show opens in Las Vegas...
...I'll never have to host one of those Crapola horror movies again.
There's no problem with the show, is there? Problem?
Complications maybe, but never a problem.
All right. Out with it, Manny.
Okay. The flamingo won't go ahead with the show...
Unless you come up with some money to help finance it.
- How much do they want? - Fifty thousand dollars.
Fifty thousand dollars? Are you nuts?
Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?
Maybe it's not too late to get your job back.
Forget it, Manny. I am never working for that sleazeball again.
I just have to find another sleazeball.
Oh! Telegram for Miss Elvira. I'll take it.
Dear Elvira, as executor of the estate of your Great-Aunt, Miss Morgana Talbot...
...I am sorry to inform you of her untimely passing.
Whoa. I don't even know I had a good aunt, much less a great one.
Let me see that.
Says here all I have to do is come to Fallwell...
...Massachusetts, for the reading of the will...
...and I'll pick up my inheritance.
Is that timing or what?
...and lastly, to my enchanting niece Elvira...
...who has unflinchingly withstood...
...the slings and arrows of an imperfect world.
Without so much as a whimper or complaint,
I bequeath my entire fortune.
Let's show Elvira exactly what she's inherited!
Elvira, you are going to start with something that dreams are made of...
a beautiful new sailboat!
You're going to sail away...
in a sporty Sunchaser ll from Stark.
And that's not all. When you're tired of sailing,
you'll drive home in this brand-new Jeep Wrangler.
I needed one of those! And you'll sit down to dinner...
at this beautiful ten-piece dining room set from American Heritage.
And on top of all of that,
Money!
Lots and lots of money!
Elvira? Elvira, are you all right?
Hmm? Go ahead and call the Flamingo, Manny.
Tell them I'll have that 50 Grand as soon as I get back from Massachusetts.
Las Vegas, here I come.
Hag, hag
We been around, round and round
I vaulted up, but you shot me down, down, down
Oh, Yeah
Hop in, Sailor.
Here. You forgot your ax.
- You know you were doing 50 in a 25 mile-per hour zone? - Um, no.
But if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it.
I gotta get a new joke.
This one's costing me a fortune.
Hey?! How about some gas?
Pump this.
You know, those things will kill you.
Have a nice day!
WOW!
I can make darn sure he doesn't get. I have my ways, you know.
- Keep the kids back. Keep the kids back. - Well.
Oh! Oh!
Well, I never!
Yeah, and you never will with them soup cans on your head.
Listen, young lady, I don't know who you are or where you came from...
...but you most certainly don't fit in this town.
Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Listen, sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of ya.
Ah! Anita!
Anita, it's the Antichrist, I tell you, the Antichrist.
Can someone tell me where there's a garage around here?
There's one right up the street.
Oh. Well, uh...
...would one of you big, strong men...
...mind giving me a little push?
Easy, easy. Don't scratch the paint.
She's incredible.
What I wouldn't do for just one peek at those Gazongas.
They're unreal!
Oh, great. That means I'm stuck in this hellhole.
I mean this quaint, little hellhole.
Is there a motel or something around here?
Well, there's the Cozy Cot...
...down by the widow Bishop's feed store.
Of course her son sort of took that oven...
...after she had that spell of gingivitis.
Her whole mouth swoll up. It looked like she ate a box of staples.
Folks are saying she got it from kissing that old dog of hers.
Nice tits.
Yoo-hoo!
Can I get a room?
Sorry, we're booked solid.
So how come it says "Vacancy" out there?
Look, we do have a room.
Remember the trucker with the bad skin that checked out this morning?
Eew. I hope you changed the sheets.
Hi.
Is that Make-up I see on your face, young lady?
No, Ma'am I mean yes, Ma'am. Well, just a little.
How many times have I told you you're too young to wear make-up?
- Now, mother, I don't think... - Shut up, Leslie!
All the other girls at school are wearing make-up.
If all the other girls at school jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?
All right. I won't wear any.
You don't have the sense that you were born with.
I hate to interrupt this little episode of The Walton's, but could I get a room?
Okay, but it's cash up-front.
I know what you Pinko...
...Heavy-Metal weirdos do to motel rooms.
Read all about it in the STAR.
I'll, I'll show the lady to her room. Oh, no, you don't.
Don't let them get you down. I used to get the same line about make-up...
...from the nuns at the Orphanage.
Of course I was only eight.
- Uh, I'm Elvira. - I'm Robin.
So, Robin, what's there to do for fun around here anyway?
This town isn't real big on fun.
Well, there is one place that's open.
The Bowling Alley. That gets real wild on league night.
Gee, I think I can handle it.
Oh, I am so sure.
They must think we've really stupid.
They're gonna kill Spider-Man with Plutonium?
He's got radioactive blood.
Yeah? Let me see that.
Hey, man. What you do that for?
Shut up.
Look at what just walked in.
Oh, Bloody Mary.
No hard liquor served past 8:00. Do you want Virgin?
Maybe, but I'll have a couple of drinks first.
Hey, Baby,
I got something to show you.
Sorry. I left my magnifying glass at home.
Hey, that's pretty good. Billy!
That is no way to talk to a lady.
So, how about a blow job?
I bet you think that was pretty funny, don't you?
- I enjoyed it. - Yeah?
- Well, you're gonna enjoy this even more. - I cut you, man.
She stabbed me.
- Faked you out. - Yeah? Well, this ain't fake, Baby.
- Hey! - Stand still 'cause I'm gonna...
Uh, my name's Elvira...
...but you can call me Tonight.
I'm Bob. Bob Redding.
Pleased to meet you.
Look at this mess, who the heck is gonna pay for it?
It's all right, Patty. I'll take care of the damages.
Seems to me it's all this cheap, little tart's fault.
Cheap? Who are you. calling cheap?
What's that perfume you're wearing? Catch of the day?
Look, Honey, I don't know which hole you crawled out of...
...but I suggest you crawl right back in if you know what's good for you.
Yeah, yeah. Watch out. You could put somebody's eyes with them things.
- Break it up! - We better go.
It looks like you've got some competition, Patty.
Charlie, trash does not compete with class.
I'm right down the street at the Cozy Cot.
Oh. So, what brought you to Fallwell?
Uh, my car.
No, really I'm here for the reading of my great-aunt Morgana's will.
Morgana Talbot? She's your aunt?
Yeah. It came as a surprise to me too.
I never really knew her, but I admired her spunk.
She never caved in the way everybody else in this town has.
Well, I don't wanna bore you with local politics.
Go ahead. Bore me.
Okay. We've got this town council...
...that lives in mortal fear...
...that somewhere, somehow, somebody in Fallwell is having a good time.
Oh. Bunch of real preservatives, huh?
Oh.
- I run the movie house and... - Oh, really?
I'm in movies too.
Have you ever show, uh... 'I Married Satan?'
- No. - How about the sequel, I Married Satan II?
No.
Um...
I can only play G-rated movies.
Oh, well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies.
As long as there's lots of sex and violence.
Um, hey, listen, Bob.
I'm only gonna be in town for a couple of days.
And I can't think of anyone who I'd rather squeeze into my...
...Agenda.
Gee, that'll be swell.
Oh, MY. Talbot,
your sister was like a mother to me.
She was a mother to me too, Dear.
Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement...
...you may begin the proceedings, Mr. Bigelow.
But, it was Mrs. Talbot's wish to have all her...
...relatives present for the reading of the will.
All of her relatives are present.
Me, myself and I.
Well, apparently, Mrs. Talbot has a grandniece, Elvira...
- “who is also one of the beneficiaries. - That's impossible.
- Uh, well... - Who is this grandniece?
- Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
But then, so is my aunt.
Hey, what she die of? Nothing serious, I hope.
Say, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?
Is there a bathroom around here?
That toilet over at the Cozy Cot looks like somebody's science project.
Who is this woman?
This must be Mrs. Talbot's grandniece.
Uh, Elvira, this is your great-aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot.
If she was my aunt and you're her brother...
...then you must be my... Uncle Vinnie!
Get this woman off of me.
Oh, and you must be Auntie Em and Uncle Remus.
Oh, there's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Hurry up, Begelow. Let's get on with it.
Yeah, really. Let's get going before somebody else dies.
This is the certified and only last will and testament...
of the deceased Morgana Talbot.
To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morissey...
...for years of loyalty and devotion,
I leave my silver tea service and a cash allotment of $ 5,000.
Oh, no.
Hey Babe, what you wishing about? You made out like a bandit.
To Mr. Morissey, my driver...
...I leave my automobile and an allotment of $ 5,000.
Whoa, dude! Ten grand just for the help?
That old gal must've really been loaded.
On, I mean dear, sweet aunt Morgana Certainly was generous.
What's this say about me? What'd I get? What'd I get? What'd I get?
To my grandniece Elvira...
Come on, lay it on me, aunt Morgana. Big bucks. Big Bucks!
Uh, Uh...!
Uh...Uh...
I bequeath my house my beloved poodle, Algonquin...
...and my precious book of recipes.
That's it? A house, a dog and a book?
Please, if you would allow me to finish.
And finally, to my dear brother Vincent...
...I leave the rest of my Estate and Holdings...
...of which there is none.
Where's the cash? Where's the furniture? Where's Bob Eubanks?
He wasn't mentioned.
I don't get it, man. Boss, what's so important about a dumb recipe book?
That dumb recipe book contains more power...
...than your feeble little mind can ever imagine.
And it rightfully belongs to me.
I must have that book.
Great. just what I need, a house.
I need a house in Fallwell like I need a padded bra.
I can't live here! I'll go crazy, I tell you!
Crazy!
- May I offer you a ride? - Buzz off, creep. I'm not in the mood.
- Oh, it's you, uncle Vinnie. - Yes.
Uncle Vinnie.
I must apologize for my behavior in the office.
It's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
Yes, well, as you may have surmised...
...my sister and I... Well, let's just say we had our differences.
Yeah, I guess. You really got shafted.
Look, I'll tell you what, uncle Vinnie.
I'll share my inheritance with you.
You can have the dog. No! Thank you.
But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book.
You know, for sentimental reasons.
I'd be willing to pay you, say, $ 50.
Sure, I'll do it for 50 Bucks.
Oh! Vinnie, you got yourself a cookbook.
That lawyer guy's taking me over to the house, so you can pick it up there later.
Fine. I'll see you there.
Oh, uh, don't forget to bring the cash.
Drive!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall, ninety... Oh, we're here.
Hey, this place ain't half bad.
Bet you could get a bundle for it.
Yes, you could. But your house is over there.
Oh, Mr. Talbot...
...I just wanted to thank you for that generous
...donation you made to the morality club.
- You're quite welcome. - As I always say, morals aren't cheap.
And speaking of cheap, uh, a little birdie told me...
...that that Elvira woman is related to you.
Not that it's any of my business. But, then, of course everything is.
Believe me, I'm as anxious to get rid of her as you are.
Oh, good. Because someone like that comes to town.
The next thing you know they're teaching sex education in the schools...
...and they're passing out condoms to kindergarteners.
Remember when those swarthy fellows...
She won't be with us very long.
Oh, um...
Why...
Well, I know I'm needed somewhere. Chastity Pariah can do.
Bye-bye now.
Careful. Some of the boards are loose.
What a dump.
Like I said, the house needs a little something.
Yeah, like a wrecking ball.
I think Algonquin likes you.
Here, doggy. Go on. Go chase this into the street.
I can't stand nelly little dogs.
Boy, if my aunt wasn't dead, I'd kill her.
Sorry, aunt Morgana, just kidding.
Here's the rest of your inheritance.
Your great-aunt's recipe book.
Oh, yeah. Some inheritance. Well, at least I'm getting 50 bucks for it.
Say, how much you think I can get for this place?
Well, even though the house is in disrepair, it is in a prime location.
I'd venture to say you could get $ 70,000.
- Seventy grand? - Maybe more, if it were fixed up.
Would you be interested in selling? Does a chicken have a pecker?
Of course I'm interested.
Now, what am I gonna do with you?
That's more like it, Algonquin.
Algonquin. What a sissy name.
Let's see. What'll I call you?
I know. Gonk. How do you like that?
Yeah. Hold your horses.
Hi, uncle Vinnie. You're here for the book, right?
- Yes. - Come on in.
Can I make you a cup of tea or something?
- I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble. - Mm, good point.
I can't stay very long anyway.
Say, you wouldn't wanna buy a house, would ya?
- I'm afraid not. - I'll sell it to you really cheap.
No, thank you.
Vinnie, they don't make houses like this anymore. Look at that detailing.
Look at that craftsmanship.
What would you pay for a house like this? Don't answer.
You not only get a house. If you act right now, you get all this beautiful furniture.
Now what would you pay? It's a jewel box, a gem, a love hutch for two.
I'd bend over backwards to make you a deal. I'll bend over forwards.
- Why, I'd stand on my head and eat a bug. - No!
Just the book!
Okay. I mean, if you're gonna get crabby about it.
That's weird. I would've sworn the book was just on that table.
You promised me that book.
Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch. It didn't just walk away.
- I'm sure it'll turn up. - Yes!
Of course it will.
Forgive me.
He thinks he's a pit bull.
Good thing I'm not gonna be here very long. The neighbors would never get any sleep.
About time, Doofus. Did you bring the camera?
- What do I look like, an idiot? - You really want me to answer that?
Shut up, you guys. She's gonna hear us.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall...
...who's the most drop-dead gorgeous one of all?
Oh, you're just saying that.
- What do you see? What do you see? - In a minute. In a minute.
- My fingers. - Guys, I can't see a thing, in a minute.
WOW!
Hag, don't drop it.
Awesome!
I got you.
Haven't you boys got someplace else to hang around?
We heard you might need a little help fixing up the place.
That's very thoughtful. But why don't you come back when the lights better?
Good night.
- You blew it. - Did you see those gazongas?
- I got it! - All right!
All right!
Elvira.
Elvira?
Elvira.
Elvira?
Oh, out, out, out!
- Hi, Elvira. - Hi.
Oh, hi! You're here.
Rich's folks run the hardware store and we got lots of paint.
Oh. Too bad they don't own the bank. I'll be right down.
- Let's do it. You know, you make me wanna shout
Kick my heels up Throw my hands up
Hey, Elvira, we got us a couple more volunteers.
Great. just grab a tool and start banging.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Say you will Say it right now, Baby
Come on Come on now
Whoo-oo Say it, say it!
- Hi, Elvira. - Hi, Robin. Come on in.
Say that you need me You wanna please me
Come on now Come on now
Randy, can you hand me that rag?
Randy!?
Uh...Uh... Yeah, yeah, sure.
Young lady!
Robin Meeker, what in the name of tarnation are you doing here?
- Robin... - Robin!
I'm gonna find out about this, young lady.
Robin!
When are you gonna learn to do what you're told?
If you don't wanna do what you're told...
You know, you make me wanna lift my head up
Throw my hands back
Come on now Come on now
All right now
Come on, y'all Come on, yeah
Come on now Come on, yeah
Come on, come on...
Lemonade?
Come on now Come on, yeah
Come on now Shout!
It's fabulous.
You know, you make me wanna shout...
I tell you, I nearly died.
There she was parading around.
In clothes that couldn't keep a titmouse dry in a drizzle.
I mean, it was next to nothing.
- I say it was next to plenty. - And she had half the teenagers in town...
...writing around to that jungle Music.
And this morning on my regular tour of the boys lavatory...
...I confiscated this.
I'll be making the Announcement this afternoon.
Henceforth, all students will be subject to immediate expulsion...
...if they are found in the company of that floozy.
Please, I don't think we need to resort to name-calling.
What Calvin is trying to say is...
...that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue.
A purveyor of pulchritude.
A one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will.
A slimy, slithering succubus...
...a concubine, a streetwalker, a tramp, a slut...
...a cheap whore!
She'll be nothing but a bad dream just as soon as she sells that property.
An open house has already been planned for tomorrow.
But what if she decides not to sell?
What if she decides to settle here?
Well, if she's morally unfit...
...then we have every right to do anything to get her out of this town.
- Are we agreed? - Absolutely.
Maybe we're not being entirely objective about this.
- Shut up, Leslie! - Then it's unanimous.
Harold Lawter, Fallwell Real Estate.
Boy, I sure hope you got a buyer.
- I haven't had so such as a lookie-loo. - Don't worry.
I have some wealthy investor friends that'd buy this house in a minute.
That is, if you play your cards right.
Oh! Honey, I'll do anything to get rid of this rattrap.
That's what I like, a motivated seller.
It's all a matter of technique.
For starters, let's try and...
...set the proper mood.
Oh, good idea. The less they seem the better.
Yeah. It's simply matter of getting close to the buyer.
Tell him all about the potential appreciation...
...and guide him through every nook and cranny.
Slowly unveil everything, from the balcony to the basement.
One area at a time. Then when he's so enthralled, he's ready to burst,
You clinch the deal!
Ah, ow!
You'll be sorry. You'll never sell this place without me.
Just because this house is up for grabs doesn't mean I am.
- Ah! Get this dog off!
Ah!
Get back. Get out of here.
Calm down, Manny, she says.
I've got the flamingo breathing down my neck to cough up the dough to hold that showroom.
And you're telling me to calm down?
I told you, I'll come up with the money.
Heck, I was just six inches from selling this house today.
Look, kid, you better get that money here pronto or you're through.
Do you hear me? The only showroom you'll see in Vegas will have Toyotas in it.
And now, I understand, she is out looking for a job?!
There she is.
Let's go.
There's no book upstairs, but I found these panties. Try on. They're edible.
Now, keep looking.
Excuses, Excuses.
We turned the place inside out. And tell him about the dog.
It must've been the size of a Water Buffalo.
Quiet!
Now, listen to me very carefully.
Go to the courthouse and remove all the records of the town ordinances...
And bring them back to me.
- Do you understand? - Yeah. - Yeah.
Then get out!
Oh!
- OW! . Oh, my gosh
Elvira, I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so. How's your head?
- I haven't had any complaints yet. - Excuse me?
Oh, uh, I think I'll live.
Believe me, it's not the worst thing that's happened to me today.
I've been to every place in this town and no one will give me a job.
It's like it's a conspiracy or something.
You know what your problem is?
Chastity Pariah. Oh, I thought that cleared up.
No. Chastity Pariah.
She's the old biddy. She's got the whole town turned against you.
Oh, well. So now no one will hire me and I'm flat busted.
No, I mean I'm broke.
I'd hire you if I could, but I'm barely making...
...enough money to stay in business as it is.
Duh. I'm not surprised. Who wants to pay to see some quack making duck calls?
And besides that, Bob.
You got an extra "E" in Matinee. No, I don't.
That's how you spell it.
Bob, I'm in show business. I think I know how to spell 'Matinee'.
Oh, Bob. How can I ever repay you?
Here. Let me try.
Witch!
I guess I better get back to work. Matinee's gonna start soon.
Oh, yeah. I can see the crowds lining up now.
Bobby, Baby, you are gonna go broke showing turkeys like these.
You got a better idea?
It just so happens that I have some of the classic films of all time...
...in the trunk of my car.
As a matter of fact...
He who holds the book of sight.
When the moon is drained of all its light...
...will then be ruler of the night...
...Master of the dark.
The lunar eclipse, Morgana...
...is less than a week away.
When the moon is drained of all its light.
There's nothing you can do.
You're dead, and I'm not.
Oh, there you are. I have been looking all over for you guys.
You are not gonna believe the good news.
Yours truly is hosting a special midnight screening at Bob's theater...
...of one of the worst movies ever made.
I mean, it is bad.
You know, like bad is in bad.
Like "I'm bad, come on, you know it."
Hey, what is this? Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
- Two days ago we were bosom buddies. - It's the principal.
Yeah, you're darn right, it's the principle, friends ought to stick together.
No, I mean the principal, Mr. Cobb.
He'd kill us if we went to your show.
- Not to mention our parents. - He'd kill your parents too?
No. Our parents would never let us stay out that late.
Oh. I see.
Well, the last thing I would do is get you guys in any trouble.
I mean, so what if it blows my only chance at making a living?
I mean, that's not your problem.
And if I get so depressed...
...I wind up hanging myself in the oven.
Heck! Those are the breaks.
But if they ever ask about me...
...tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs.
I was also an incredible pair of legs.
And thell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend.
I never turned down a stranger, for that matter.
And tell them... Tell them that when all is said and done...
...I only ask that people remember me by to simple words:
Any two, as long as they are simple.
If we all decide to help Elvira, what can Cobb do?
He can expel us all.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be there.
- Me too. - Count on me.
We're sorry, Elvira. We'll all come to your show.
Great. 12:00 am sharp.
Be there or be square.
12:30 am my old man's out watching Letterman.
- Oh, that looks great. - You really like it?
Yeah!
Elvira, where do you want this? just right up there.
Okay. What's the bucket for?
Didn't tell you? Oh, it's so cool.
This is the part that I ripped off...
I mean, that was inspired by Flashdance.
I reach up, I pull this rope...
...and my entire body is covered in gold glitter.
Could you die? All right!
Oh, God, I'm telling you, it's a guaranteed standing ovulation.
- You're late. - Here's where the guy gets pureed.
Don't worry. They're Italian.
They'll wind up making a great marinara sauce.
Robin?
It that you?
This is where the heroine gets zapped by the tomatoes. I can't look.
Boy, this endings so bad, the tomatoes ought...
...out start throwing rotten people at the screen.
Okay, don't even move...
Because the best is yet to come.
Ladies and Dobermen, it's time for the grand finale.
Just steel town girl on a Saturday night
Lookin' for the fight of her life
in a real-time world no one sees her at all
they all say she's crazy
locking rhythms to the heat of her heart
changing movement into light.
She has danced into the danger zone
when the dancer becomes the dance.
It can cut you like a knife,
If the gift becomes the fire
On the wire between will and what will be.
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor.
Patty, you...
Ooh, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life.
Just wait till I get my hands on that Patty.
I am gonna rip every single bleach blond hair out of her scalp.
Gouge out her eyeballs and use her head for a bowling ball!
I'm telling you, they are not gonna get away with it!
That barf bag chastity blacklisted me out of a job...
...and then that sleazoid of a high school principal turning all the kids against me.
And that bitch-sniffing real estate letch.
Trying to get his commission in the sack.
I'll get even with every one of them if it's the last thing I do!
What's that perfume you're wearing? Super unleaded.
Don't smoke.
Well, here's to my big opening.
I mean...
Forget it.
Ah, don't you kids think it's past your bedtime?
Ah, heck no, I'm not tired... Ouch!
It is getting awfully late.
Yeah. We better be going.
Yep. Well, see you dudes tomorrow.
Ow!
Here is the darn recipe book. How did it get under there?
That reminds me, I'm starving.
Mmh. Me too.
Alright, let's got get something to eat.
There's an all-night truck stop out on the interstate. - No, no, no,. Bob.
I've got a better idea, Why don't you set the table...
...while I see what I can whip up in the kitchen.
My aunt sure had lousy penmanship.
I can't read a word of this stuff.
Looks like it was written in some kind of foreign language or something.
Hey, wait. Look at this. Adraka Kozirol.
Kozirol. Oh, Casserol.
Mmh, that sounds good. Okay, let's see. What does it says here?
One Adriziba.
Oh, I wonder where whe keeps Adriziba around here.
Oh, this is some spice rack.
Trulizol.
Kalimbra. Quotoroks.
Oh, here it is. Adriziba.
One Adviziba.
Okay, one half of Limgra.
Whoa! Looks like this Limgra went bad.
Well, I don't know. It says it's good till June of next year.
What the heck. I got a cast-iron stomach.
Okay, then, let's see.
Two to three Goletra. Goletra.
Let's see. One Quotoroks.
Quotoroks. Where could they be? Where could...
Mmh. Doesn't smell too bad...
...but it looks like Caca Doodoo.
There. That's much better.
It's soup!
Smells great. What is it?
Oh, it's just a little something I conjured up.
Allow me.
Thank you ever so.
Well, I hope you're hungry...
...'cause here's dinner.
The switch Bob, the switch!
First time I was ever an appetizer for the main course.
- Where did you learn how to cook? - I didn't.
I just followed the directions in my aunt's...
Gonk, what are you doing? Give me that cookbook.
Gonk? Gonk!!!
Gonk, you get back here right now or you are grounded for one week.
Gonk!
Dog, come here.
Deja vu.
WOW!
Gonk?
Gonk, are you in here?
Gonk, you are a very bad, bad dog.
Oh, yuck! You slobbered all over it.
Now what do you want?
I think he wants you to open the trunk.
Why didn't you just say so?
Wow! Look at all this cool junk!
This could be you, Gonk.
I think I used to go out with this guy.
Take a look at this!
You think it's for me?
Go ahead. Open it.
You open it.
“Dearest Elvira, for all these years...
...I protected you from the truth, but the time has now come...
...when your only protection is the truth."
Say what?
Let me see this.
"Your mother Devana was an extraordinary woman."
"She was the true mistress of the dark...
"but her power did not go unchallenged...
for 300 years...
"your great-uncle Vincent coveted her Dominion."
Three hundred?
God, I hope I look that good when I'm that old.
"He would have destroyed you as he did her had I not sent you away."
"I left you with all the power you would need to protect yourself...
...and entrusted you to my loyal familiar - What's a familiar??
Haven't you seen any old Roger Corman movies?
Every witch has one. They're like a pet that can change into almost anything.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Um.. "It wasn't you alone that I sought to protect".
It was the book that contained your mother's magic."
“Our enemy is a formidable one.“
“Protect the book, Elvira...
wand above all, keep it from Vincent.
'when the moon falls under the earth's shadow...
“remember, you carry the power with you."
“Your loving aunt, Morgana.“
Too macabre!
I knew I was different, but I didn't think I was quite that different.
No wonder Vinnie had such a 'spaz' attack when I couldn't find the book.
Yeah, and you heard what your aunt said. He can't get his hands on it.
No way he's getting it now.
And here I am knocking myself out to make a living as a horror hostess...
...when I'm actually descended from like a major metaphysical celebrity.
All I have to do is just find the right spell...
...and I can make the money I need for Vegas.
I mean really make the money.
- I don't think you should go fooling with that book again. - Wait! Wait! Look!
Bob, here it is! "Selzba Riki Moola."
That's exactly what I need. Lots of Moola!
Okay, okay. "Selzba Riki Moola Sheen."
- Elvira, I don't think - "Pasera Floctum Kezrah Flome."
It's working, Bob. It's working!
Bob, are you still here?
Right here
What is this?
Oh, why, Bob.
Mmh, You know, Bob.
I may be wrong, but I think that might have been a love spell.
Really?
Oh, Bob! Bob! Ohh!
Hold me, Bob. Hold me.
Stand up. UP!
Chastity, the picnic's a great success.
Yes. I think it's something we can all be proud of me for.
Come and get it!
Ooh! Now, you children, you're acting like wild animals.
Get to the end of the line.
It all looks so good.
I can't remember when I've been this hungry.
Ooh, Melody.
I see you've made your famous tic tac pie.
Ah! Bob, what are you doing?
- You scared the hell out of me. - What's going on?
Let's just say, I'm settling the score.
- Oh, no! - Well, it is a potluck.
When they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get.
Oh, I don't believe I've had any of this.
Revenge is better than Christmas.
I don't get it. What happened?
Looks like some sort of casserole.
Mmh, mmh! This is marvelous.
I must get this recipe. Mmh.
Oh, shoot! I must have screwed it up...
...when I substituted the Falendra with some hamburger helper.
Oh, yes. Thank you for my drink. There!
Ah! Oh!
Mmh!
I feel a little odd.
Suddenly, it's very warm.
I put a spell on you!
- Remind you of anything? Because you're mine
Remind you of anything?
Oh I love you!
I LOVE YOU - Give me that! That's mine!
I don't care if you don't want me
I'm yours right now!
I put a spell on you! - Oh, boy, am I a born dog.
Because you're mine
Excuse me, is this face taken?
Come on, stud. Let's boogie!
Bob!
Hey, let's Mambo!
Toto. Toto!
That's an interesting dish.
Where did you learn how to make it?
Oh, it's just an old family recipe.
All right, I'll give you $500 for the book.
Do I look like I just feel off the tuna truck?
The deal's off, Uncle.
You think you're pretty clever, don't you?
Well, mark my words!
I'll get you and your little dog too!
- Hey! ' Help!
- No! - Oh, you again.
Do you always wear the same dress?
No, sometimes I like to wear something low-cut and sexy.
Well, I guess in your business, it pays to advertise.
Come here, Bob. Let me how you how a real woman does it.
Excuse me.
You all saw him. He attacked me in broad daylight...
- ...and he had his way with me - Me?
I barely got away with my life.
You could have worn out a mechanical bull.
Ooh! You're not gonna get away with this, you sex-addled maniac.
I demand that the council remove this pervert.
I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Calvin was the one who was painting everybody with apple butter.
I was just an innocent on-licker.
I did no such thing!...
Silence!
Don't you see?
You're playing right into her hands.
It's Elvira who, is responsible for all this.
Of course. I should've known, it was that little Harlot.
We oughta ride her out of town on a big, fat rail.
She might enjoy that too much.
There is a much more satisfactory solution.
We can have her arrested.
Arrested? On what charges?
It so happens that there is a law on the books...
...that dates back to the Salem trials.
It specifically forbids, and I quote...
"Any townsperson from practicing the ancient arts of spell casting...
"Demonology, Alchemy...
...and conjuration."
The charge, my fellow council members, is...
...witchcraft.
Let me out of here! Let me out of here!
- Pipe down in there! - Hey, I seen the people's court.
I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.
Well, there's a pay phone right across the street.
What's the matter? You forget where you put your broom?
Listen, Fatso, if I had a broom...
...I'd new exactly where I'd put it!
Oh, this is swell. I can just hear Manny now.
"Hello, Vegas, we got a slight crimp in the plans for the show."
"Yeah, the star was burned at the stake."
Elivira, great news. I got you the best lawyer in the country.
He'll be here first thing in the morning, Bob, in the morning?
First thing in the morning, I'll be able to fit in an ashtray.
- You gotta get me out of here. - But how?
The book! It's my only chance!
- Quick! Run to the house and get it! - Okay.
- Oh, Bob, wait! - What?
I hid it under the floorboard in the living room.
Okay.
- Oh, and, Bob! - What?
Hurry!
- Stay low. - Keep down low.
NOW!
What are you whining about?
I'm the one getting barbecued.
Oh, sorry.
At last, it's mine.
The power is mine!
Gonk, don't have a conniption fit.
Whoa, I must have done too much antacid in the '60th.
Two, Four, Six, Eight!
Who do we incinerate?
Elvira! Elvira! Elvira!
Thank goodness, Padre.
I am here to save you, my child.
At last, someone who can talk some sense into these people.
God save this wretched creature's soul...
...even though her creamy white flesh...
...will burn and sizzle.
Well, isn't that convenient?
Thanks for trying, you guys.
Elvira!
Gonk? Is that you, Boy?
Good work, Gonk.
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
- Do you smoke? - I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Get back!
All right, over there.
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Take her to the world of the flames that will soon engulf her!
Oh no! You're not gonna believe this. I left my oven on.
- I'll just be a minute. - Oh, no, you don't!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
- Burn the witch! - Burn her!
- Burn the with!
- Any last words? - Uh, just one.
Help!!!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Hold it! Hold it down! Quiet! Quiet there!
And now by the power vested in me...
“by the sovereign state of Massachusetts...
...I do hereby pronounce sentence on Elvira, the prisoner.
Death by fire!
- Hold it, Sheriff. - Huh?
- What you're doing is wrong. - Patty?
It'll catch faster, if you light it in several places.
Patty, no!
We ought to have one of these every year!
- Burn in hell, witch! - Patty!
- Burn her! - Bye, Kids. It's been swell.
Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.
Let me through!
- Elvira! - Bob!
- Hi, Bob. - Patty,
You're not a very nice person.
Dry kindling.
Gonk?
Remember, you carry the power with you.
The ring!
Are you alright?
Look, the lunar eclipse.
Remember? Your aunt's letter?
'When the moon falls under the earth's shadow."
Yeah, so?
Vincent's got the book!
Elvira!
Gonk! Where's Gong?
Oh, you tricky little devil.
Ohh! Vincent!
Remember us? We're on your side.
Swine.
Stay back.
Sic him, Gonk!
Don't make me use this!
The amulet could not protect your mother...
...and it won't save you.
Kaldozar Ipsolay.
Oh, so you want to play rough, eh? Well, take this!
Huh? What?
You cannot escape me, daughter of Devana.
I shall destroy you as I did her.
You are lookin' for me?
Did you think you could stop me with your toys?
No, but I figured it would be worth a shot.
Look!
Cosa Term Obtan.
Sure, that's easy for you to say.
Ohh!
That hurts!
Now, Baby...
Hey!
We have a little unfinished... business.
Yeah, well, uh, I think we can do business.
Yeah, sure. I can dig it.
Uh, I'm cool, bro.
You know, what it is, where it's at.
I'll show you where it's at.
I'm the Master of the dark!
I'll see you in hell first.
And now, Elvira, you die!
Remember, you carry the power with you.
So what did the insurance guy say?
My policy doesn't cover acts of demons.
Well, at least you've still got the ring.
Yeah, but the only thing I can get it do anymore is to look cheap.
Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.
I know you had your heart set on playing Las Vegas.
I'm just not the kind of girl whose dreams come true.
I do better on nightmares.
I wish there was something I could do.
Ah, don't worry about me, Bob.
I'm like fake fruit. I don't bruise that easy.
There he is, up there.
Uh-oh. Here comes the lynch mob.
Take it easy, take it easy. I'm leaving.
- We don't want you to go. - No, we don't.
This is our way of saying we were wrong about you, and we're sorry.
Elvira, you're the best thing that ever happened to your town.
You touched a part of my son that...
- ...that nobody ever touched before. - I wish.
As long as you're in FallwelL...
...you'll always have a free room at the Cozy Cot.
- Wait just a minute, Leslie! - Shut up, you old bag!
Oh!
- Well, I finally got it running. - That's great.
At least now I'll have a place to live.
But I still don't know how I'm gonna pay you for it.
Don't worry. We'll work out something.
Elvira.
I'm... I'm...
Sorry that I set you on fire and everything, and...
I hope there are no hard feelings.
Don't worry. She's bigger than that.
Yeah! A lot bigger.
Elvira...
...I've got some important papers that you're going to have to sign.
With your uncle gone, you're the only heir to this estate.
- I am? - Not an inconsiderable on at that.
- Las Vegas. - Elvira, that's fantastic!
Las Vegas!
Las Vegas! Las Vegas!
Ladies and Gentlemen...
...the Flamingo Hotel is proud to present...
"The Mistress of the Dark, Elvira!
I've always dreamed of doing this...
...and now I've got my chance.
So excuse me while I indulge myself...
...in a little song and dance.
Well, if you're looking for trouble?
Here l am.
And if you want to see double,
Here I am
I don't do what the good girls do
Bad dreams really do come true
Here I am
I'm bitch in black so you better stand back...
"you might get motion sickness or a heart attack.
I can really rap up with the swelling in your pocket...
...make your eyeballs drop right out of their socket.
I'm rough, I'm tough I'm woman enough.
So get ready I'm gonna do my stuff.
I can take it, I can shake it I can cook it, I can bake it.
If I don't have the recipe I'll fake it.
I'm a volcano that's ready to blow.
Look out, you all because here I go.
Yeah! All right!
For me? Ah!!!
Unpleasant dreams.